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FoggyRock Blog
Everyone is Zoo Animals Posted By: Doomsday
Posted On: 04/25/2008
(this was originally from my other blog, but I don't think anyone has ever read it)

Wednesday, January 2, 2008


For as long as I can remember, I've had a problem with crowds.

Individually, people are fine (mostly) and I enjoy having a couple of friends over. But when I get to large groups of people where I need to interact, I usually have a problem.

I've known ever since I was a little kid that I had to be careful at parties. At first, I thought that it was a problem with food. Too much sugar can and does cause problems. For the most part, I don't snack outside of meals, and I try to limit consumption of sugar. Realizing this alleviated some of my problem, but didn't solve it. I still have to be careful around crowds, or else I'll get overwhelmed and either get a bad headache or really fatigued, or both.

I first consciously realized this when I was able to go to the mall by myself when I was a teenager. I would come down with a splitting headache within minutes of going in to the mall. A friend of mine noticed that I was looking at everything, like I didn't have a filter telling me what was important and what wasn't. I'm still amazed by the fact my friend noticed this, as no one else I've known has ever given me such helpful advice. He told me to make a plan on where I want to go, then stick to it. This helped dramatically and I was able to go shopping without making myself sick.

A couple of days ago I was at New Years party with my family. We went to our neighbors' house, and they had invited several of their other friends. I had met several of the friends separately, but didn't know any of them well other than our neighbors.

When in this kind of social situation, I used to talk about work, but I've been making an effort to not talk about work with my friends and family. I've realized (and been told) that most people can't really follow what I do, and I would rather learn now to talk with people about more "normal" stuff.

I was having a hard time participating, more so than I've had in a while, and spent most of the night chasing after the kids and playing Guitar Hero with the teenagers. So once again I retreated from the social situation that I didn't have a solution for and when to a domain that I was more comfortable with.

My big realization came from a question I asked myself, "Why do I do OK at work and in public, but when it comes to a private situation with people I know and like, I lock up and can't really participate?"

I thought about it for a bit, and then it occurred to me that people at work I'm OK with because we can always talk about work, or technical stuff that I'm comfortable with. It really doesn't take much work on my part to talk endlessly about the latest programming technique, or what I read about solar power, or any other interest that I know about.

So, that leaves the last group of people in my problem, public strangers. And then I realized, I'm alright with them because they're on the outside of my personal box. Like dangerous animals at the zoo, they are safely on their side of the moat, separated from me by figurative windows. I don't have to worry about them, because I've learned to treat most people like window dressing. (Ironically, dept. store manequins have always given me the willys)

I don't feel like this is much of a solution, but at least it's a better understanding of the problem. I'm unsettled both by my continuing problem with interacting with people, but also on my unconscious solution when dealing with people in general. Maybe most people do this too, but I feel like this is different somehow. I'll have to revisit this idea when I've had more time to think about it.
       
Motherof4 wrote this reply on 04/26/2008
This is really interesting. I'd love to read more of your point of view. Would social parties be easier if you let one person at a time inside your "window?" Meaning, just interact with one person, then take a break, and then interact with another person as you feel ready?

shannonj wrote this reply on 04/26/2008
So interesting and thank you for sharing. I recently attended a conference on social navigation and the speaker developed a technique for teaching individuals on the spectrum how to relate to and understand other people...There were 5 main components which I can't remember now, but would be happy to look up and pass along if you are interested. Supposedly, these 5 components can be learned and referenced in social situations to help work through the gaps and deficits....Also, if it makes you feel better, it takes alot of effort to socialize at parties for me too. I'm NT (I think) and I still would rather go play kickball with the kids in the backyard than sit around with a bunch of strangers and act like I give a hoot : )

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