FoggyRock General Forum
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#1 2008-07-21 07:21:57
- kywave
- New member
- Posts: 1
Older sibling pushing buttons
My 15 year old son from time to time seems to enjoy pushing the buttons of his 13 year old HFA brother. Countless times I have told him much more is expected of him because he can do it and because of that he gets much more freedom.
Tonight when I was taking out the garbage my older son discovered that his brother had drunk several of the cream sodas that he keeps in his closet while he was gone. He started yelling at him and it escalated into yelling and hitting and hateful things said on both sides. By the time I got in the house my 13 year old was locked in his room destroying it and came out and punched me in the stomach because he thought I was his brother.
He went to calm down on his bicycle and a neighbor listened to his tale of woe and called the police. I think that got my older son's attention, but we'll see for how long.
Has anyone else had to deal with this? My older son has been aggressive with his brother from day one, long before the diagnosis and I have had to keep that at bay and he was doing well until he hit about 12.
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#2 2008-07-22 03:02:06
- Sherry
- Member
- Posts: 47
Re: Older sibling pushing buttons
We also have a younger child with HFA and an older sibling, both are girls. The youngest is 6 and the oldest is 10. However, it's the other way around for us, it's the little one who gets frustrated and angry and lashes out, and the main target is her big sister. Could be that's because big sister likes to push little sister's buttons, eh?
I've been putting the little one into her "thinking spot" when she starts yelling and hitting, but that probably wouldn't work very well for a 15 year old.
I would recommend a couple of books that I've found helpful...
How to Talk so Kids Will Listen (and how to listen so kids will talk)
Parenting with Love and Logic
How the adults deal with the kid's behavior can really make a difference. We just need to have a plan in place before we start pulling out our hair and get so frustrated that WE can't stop and think. Although sometimes just telling the kid to go into another room and we'll get back to them after we've had a chance to think about it is helpful. Even with the younger one sitting beside me in her thinking spot but screaming and crying and kicking out, I still found that when the timer went off after six minutes I was able to ask her if she could think of a way to deal with her sister instead of hitting, and I was able to make a suggestion to help her start thinking about it.
Good luck.
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#3 2008-07-26 11:00:27
- lisadianne2
- New member
- Posts: 7
Re: Older sibling pushing buttons
We call it "baiting the bear" at our house. Our 7 year-old daughter if often the target of her brother's abuse but she also seems to get a thrill out of getting him riled up and running to us for help when things get out of hand. With your sons, it seems much more like our family's other issue which is building resentment regarding our handling many of our son's behaviors and issues in a different way than our daughters'. One thing that has worked for us with both the attention seeking behavior and the resentment is giving our girls separate, positive special treatment. My husband and I try to have surprise "dates" with the girls and take them for a walk or for a "girl" movie, etc. We also buy them a special gift once in awhile and we tell them it's a thank you gift because we know that life with their brother is hard and we appreciate their situation and the help they give us. Just giving them this separate, individualized attention, pampering, and shared pleasure really seems to help a lot. Everyone wants to feel special, understood and appreciated and we often forget to take time out for that with our daily struggles with our son (and our girls let us know this with their OWN negative behaviors!).
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#4 2008-09-22 00:37:02
- momo3auts
- Member
- Posts: 88
Re: Older sibling pushing buttons
We call it "don't feed the beast!" Our oldest is the non confrontational while my middle son (they are only separated by 10 mos.) stirs the pot all the time, if the tables turn and the middle one is talked to about getting things going he is the one who becomes violent, trashing the room, himself, his stuff, our stuff, hitting, punching etc.....
We've had in home couselors and out of house counseling for him to learn some other ways to channel his energy but overall it is just sometimes easier for him to push the buttons and watch everyone fly...he gets some sort of enjoyment out of it. They are both HFA but the middle son also has Bipolar which naturally comes into play when the you know what hits the fan....ugh!
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#5 2008-10-07 03:37:18
- autti34
- Member
- Posts: 25
Re: Older sibling pushing buttons
some of it just ty[pplical stugff i think the nt sibs get jelouis an resnt uis becuse theyt bthink we are getting more att and baby an so on so it inportnt to make sure the nt sibs get equl time an if your othere chikd ids hf then they can do some things around the house to an learn coping sikills .im hf i had chores to do ,my brother being much older then me got in trounble for pushingh my buttons .but it not fair to all ways say to the nt sib you no beter iu ecpte more from u an so on .that will only make the child reant the other more .,i think if one is hf then you can talk to both .about keeping hands to your self .and if bvoth hit both gert punshed .
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